Posted on January 27, 2009. Filed under: back to good |

My dearest mister:

I know that the all-wedding, all-the-time mode that I seem to be on is tiring for you, especially because I know that you’d be perfectly happy with a quick courthouse wedding and a nice dinner out.  I also know that part of the reason that my obsessing drives you nuts is that, it seems to you, it just leads to me stressing out.  You hate to see me stressed out, you sweet man, and sometimes you think that I work myself into a tizzy over things that don’t matter.  Fair point.

Here’s the thing: the most important thing to me is that I get to marry you, but only slightly less important is the idea of celebrating that milestone with our people.  Since that leaves eloping out, we have a minimum of stuff to get through in order to make a wedding happen, and I need us to do it together – because I can’t do it all alone, because I don’t want to do it all alone, because I want to be doing this with you.  You’re my favorite guy, and this thing is all about us.  It’s exciting to me, and I want to share exciting things with you!

So, with your agreement, I propose a new way of working together.  I think we can agree that I care more about the details than you do and that I am more specific about what I like and don’t like, so for that reason, I will do the legwork.  I will find the inspiration photos, narrow them down to the ones I like, and present them to you, because not only do I want to plan our wedding together, I want you to be involved, and that means discussion.  I know that you may not have a preference, but I’d like you to consider the options and come up with one, then tell me why.  That’s what I like – the discussion.  The dreaming.  The planning of the future together.

In exchange, I’ll stop griping about how I have to do a thousand things and you only have to do ten.  I’ll choose a regular date and time for us to talk about our wedding, and I’ll keep my wedding-related thoughts outside of that time to a minimum.  I’ll get my act together and under control so that I don’t feel like all thousand of the things I have to do need to be done now.  They don’t. (But if I say they do, you will trust me that they do and then do them).  Of the two of us, I will be the planner but I will remember that you are the doer and I’ll follow your lead there.  I’ll remember that you’d much rather get things done than talk about them, so we’ll come up with things to accomplish in addition to things to plan, each week.

Forgive me if I get all “work-y” on you, by the way.  In the end, I know that you just don’t want me to be unhappy, and the best way I know to be comfortable with details is to handle them with all of the professionalism I’d throw at them at work.  Except with the happy benefit that we can drink wine while meeting… and maybe even make out a little.

This is going to be fun! (and if not fun, then at least productive)….

Lovingly yours,

At the urging of a few kind readers (looking at you, suzanno), we are now re-instituting Wedding Planning Meetings. Every so often before we go to bed, I hop into my comfy blankets with my planner, laptop, and a notebook in hand… and my future husband next to me.  I hand him a written agenda (I’m pretty sure he just likes to know how far from the end of the list we are) and he gives me his attention while I show him pictures, describe my ideas, and outline the pros and cons.  He thinks for a second, then offers his opinion.  I won’t lie, sometimes when I then reply to his opinion with my thoughts, he gets annoyed (“But I just told you what I liked, and now you’re telling me that’s wrong?” “No, I’m just giving you my opinion now.” “Then why did you show me something you don’t even like?” “BECAUSE I’M NOT SURE AND I WANT TO DISCUSS IT!”… <he thinks> “What’s it worth to you?”), but it’s better than before.

And surprise of all surprises, he thanks me after every session — for including him, for not making him guess what he needs to do, for doing the groundwork.

Funny thing is, we used to do this, and then we postponed our wedding and I stopped scheduling them.  Somewhere, deep down, I was hoping that we’d have the discussions naturally (and evidently while laying in a meadow and eating strawberries off each other’s bodies, sheesh!) so I fought what was in front of my face: if I schedule it, he’ll play along.  Lesson learned — stop wishing, start doing what works.


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[…] we kept trying.  We had Wedding Wednesdays complete with agendas and action items.  I badgered, cajoled, harassed, gave up, gave […]

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    I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt (and divorce papers) to prove it. Here I am again, pledging my life to my (new) love with eyes wide open (and heart racing) knowing full well how emotionally traumatic this can end… and doing it anyway.


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