Nervous? Hell yes. But nervous isn’t panic.

Posted on May 7, 2009. Filed under: emotional |

I am officially nervous.  Completely nervous.  Nervous to the tips of my fingers nervous.  Fluttering freaking butterflies have moved into my tummy nervous.  Can’t believe it’s happening but afraid to get any closer nervous. I feel like I’ve had three cups of coffee — all the time.  When I think about OUR WEDDING (ohmygodohmygodohshit), my heart races and my hands feel weak and my stomach churns.

I talked to J for a long time last night about being nervous and it helped (can you hear the angels singing?  This is a big deal). I wasn’t nervous the first time I got married.  People would ask and I kind of didn’t get it.  Why would I be nervous? I already lived with him.  I loved him.  He loved me.  What was there to be nervous about?

At 21, I didn’t have much to give up in exchange for a lifelong partner.  At 29, I do.  I have lived alone and done pretty well.  I can build shit if I have to; I can deal with life alone; I can move furniture out of an apartment and into a moving van all by myself.  I suppose you can say that I’ve earned the right to be nervous about giving up some autonomy.  The point, at least, is that my lack of nervousness the first time wasn’t about age, it was about understanding my choice.

So many event details, walls to paint, rooms to clean, linens to purchase.  So many things still undone because that’s how we roll.  I have very little hope that we won’t be up until four in the morning trying to paint the bathroom and clean the darned kitchen at some point.  I know it.  We’ll get through it.

For the first time since our first six months together, we’re laughing and playing around.  Things are really, really good – often enough that the not-so-good are okay.  I can do this.  This life is really, really good.  Really.  We live on this blessed property surrounded by the greenest greenery and beautiful trees.  We have plenty of room for everything we might want to do now and in the future.  I mean really, how great is that?  When we have kids, the grandparents can come stay and have their own apartment.  We have multiple offices and living areas.  I can think of like nine places I’d like to sit and read a book… and the woods are a little kid’s dream.

I love J.  He’s really amazing.  He tries hard and works hard and really cares about making us happy.  He’s responsible and grown-up… and super duper silly and fun, too.  I love him.  And even when I want to yell in frustration, I know that he’s the perfect match for me, and I for him.

But I’m very, very nervous.  I hope that this fluttery feeling stays, and that I rise to the occasion with grace and craziness — the good kind.  I think I can.  I’m looking forward to our wedding.  Well, I’m seeing that I will soon look forward to it. :) In the meantime, there’s painting to do.

Are you nervous?

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[…] Posted on July 10, 2009. Filed under: Uncategorized | I was nervous.  Oh, so nervous. […]

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    I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt (and divorce papers) to prove it. Here I am again, pledging my life to my (new) love with eyes wide open (and heart racing) knowing full well how emotionally traumatic this can end… and doing it anyway.

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